Ah fuck, i guess im doin this.
"You, a level 15 paladin are protecting the team while the fighter and the warlock are severely injured, your healing pool has been saped dry from the countless battles your party has fought in this afternoon alone.
Common sense dictates that the appropriate actions for the tanks of the party are to buckle down and defend the party while your cleric or bard slowly heals your fallen allies, you recently got a new party member too, a barbarian with high constitution, until now you were the only tank in the party so this should alleviate the pressure somewh- wait why does it smell so b- wait whats that barbarian doing?!? WAIT WHY DID HE COVER HIS HANDS IN SHI- WAIT WHY IS HE LEAVING THE PARTY BEHIN- WHY IS HE CHARGING STRAIGHT AT THE ENEMY WHILE SCREAMING?!?"
The tardbarian is a subclass is a barbarian path that encourages ridiculous logic and bad decisions, it endangers not only your enemies, but sometimes your allies as well, kinda defeats the purpose of a tank doesn't it? Well your a fucking retard now get over it.
You must have an intelligence score of 7 or below to subclass into this path.
3rd level path feature: Tard rage
Path of the Tardbarian has a separate rage table. The amount of times you can use this rage is equal to half of your barbarian rage amount. At the later table, when a barbarian would get unlimited barbarian rage you get only 10 Tard rages instead of half of infinity… which is still infinity lol.
Big Boi: During tard rage you count as a size larger… why? Because you suddenly become overwhelmingly fat when you activate Tard rage, you also get a bit taller of course.
Cannon ball: During tard rage your movement speed is double what it used to be.
Shit fu: During Tard rage, you can not use any weapons, in exchange for that, you cover your fist in your own shit, thus giving all unarmed damage 1d4 extra poison damage. This increases to 1d6 at level 10 and 1d8 at level 14
The only demerit to using Tard rage is that your intelligence… turns into 1… you can only differentiate between friend and enemy and can only scream, the reason you cover your hands in shit is because as soon as you pop Tard rage, you shit yourself.
6th level feature: Babbling Baboon:
As a bonus action, you can spit in an enemy's eyes. This infuriates them and makes them tunnel vision solely on you, this means the enemy can only target you. You can spit a distance of 30 feet away. This increases to 90 feet at level 14.
6th level feature: When shit hits the fan:
You can throw your shit up to 20 feet away from you. This flung heap of pure filth does 1d3 poison damage. You may do this as a bonus action.
10th level path feature: FunnnnnYYyYYyyy scream:
As an action, you can scream so loud that both enemy and ally alike are terrified about both how big your lung capacity is, and exactly what you are about to do.
Every creature within 50 feet of you must make a wisdom save against your character.
This results in that creature having disadvantage against any roll involving your character for about 5 turns.
You can do this equal half your proficiency bonus per long rest. (Minimum of 2 uses)
10th level path feature: Shit fu Improvement:
Your shittied fist are even more disgusting, your Shit fu's poison damage increases to 1d6
14th level path feature: Pipe burst:
As an action you can uh… well…
You squat down… take off your pants... point your ass toward the enemy… and eject a liquid stream of shit which suddenly burst forth from your ass,
This liquid spear of shit reaches about 60 feet behind you and does 1d10 poison damage along with 1d6 piercing damage if the enemy is within 30 feet of you.
This does not come without cost, you have 1d3 burning damage dealt to your bunghole.
You can do this action only once during Tard rage, if you wish to use it again, you must deactivate and reactivate Tard rage.
14th level path feature: Shit fu mastery:
Your Shit fu's poison damage does 1d8 poison.
14th level path feature: Gargling monstrosity:
Your babbling baboons range increases to 90 feet, and if you do this as an action, you generate so much spit in your mouth that you can shoot at up to 5 creatures.
If you do this as a bonus action you do not gain this benefit.
This subclass was made as a joke, i don't hold any animosity towards people who are legitimately mentally retarded.
This was made to be funny, if you don't laugh then that's fine, but please don't get offended.